Tuesday, February 15, 2005


Channeling Stu Miller...

I’m sure you’ve heard the big news by now. That’s right, John Stamos has a new show airing on ABC this month. I know, I know, I can barely contain myself, and I’m just as excited as you that Uncle Jesse is back on the air. Is there any chance that Jodi Sweetin will do a cameo? What about Dave Coullier and his wacky voices? Screw it, why not turn the show into a Full House reunion? Bob Sagat surely needs the work, even if we don’t need him. And what kind of world do we live in when the Olsen twins make millions on crappy direct-to-video movies while the lovely and talented Jodi Sweetin disappears into the ether? This is the most severe waste of talent since Ronin.

But seriously, the truly big news was the announcement last week that SBC Park will host the 2007 All-Star Game, making the Giants hosts to their third midseason classic since moving to San Francisco. The first two were held at Candlestick, the first in 1961, when Stu Miller was allegedly blown off the mound, and again in 1984, which was notable only for the fact that Atlee Hammaker was mercifully absent from the proceedings, and thus unable to disgrace the good Giants name on national TV again by coughing up a grand slam to Fred Lynn.

As for the announcement itself, it’s about freaking time. We’ve waited too long. It was tough enough to endure the games being held in the neo-futuristic mallparks in Milwaukee and Houston, and then to watch US Cellular/Comiskey get rewarded with one the year after two shirtless morons jumped a helpless coach on the field. Rumor had it that the anti-Christ was peeved with Giants ownership when they decided to build Pac Bell with private money instead of using taxpayer dollars, and this was the reason the Gem by the Bay was locked out of All-Star Game consideration. Either Mr. Selig had a Scroogian change of heart, or those rumors were just silly conjecture started by Thierry Meyssan-esque conspiracy-mongers like myself. Either way, it’ll surely be neat to have SBC and all its beauty displayed on national television, with the best players in the world all gathered on the field. I just wonder who the Giants’ player rep(s?) will be. Vizquel? Matheny? Neikro? Chris Brown Jr.? Maybe Barry will stick it out until ’07 on knees made of marmalade.

What nobody seems to be talking about, and what I’m most looking forward to, is the Home Run Derby that year. Just think: some left-handed stud power hitter, say Justin Morneau or something, ripping a ball that seems certain to splash into McCovey Cove. Morneau stands and takes in the ball’s majestic flight, as the players in the dugouts gawk and scream and wave their video cameras around, and Chris Berman breaks into an orgasmic “BACK BACK BACK!”, only to have the ball clunk off of the bricks half way up the right field wall, another victim of the wicked SBC right field jetstream. Guys are going to win the first round with like three home runs, just watch. It’s going to be the most comical Home Run Derby in history. God, I love that ballpark.

There will only be one real Uncle Jesse on TV - and he was always tryin' to keep them Duke boys out of the pokey.
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