Tuesday, November 15, 2005
"I First Became Aware Of It During the Physical Act Of Love."
It all makes sense now. Why else would the Giants sign Neifi Perez to a two-year deal? Why else would they give Mike Matheny three years, 10.5 million? Why would they trade a flamethrowing reliever and two promising prospects for a crotch-kicking catcher? Because there's been a Dodger plant within the Giants organization for years now, and the reality is finally coming to the fore. It's a brilliant scheme on L.A.'s part: insert an agent into the Giants' front office, build several years' of trust, get to know Brian Sabean's strategies and secrets concerning player personnel, then begin to slowly coerce the trusted party into making silly deals, i.e. the Neifi signing or the Hawkins deal. Then, when the assignment is over and the Giants' future looks as grim as possible, go back to the mothership.
Oh, Coletti obviously can't just walk out of the Giants organization and make himself cozy back in Dodger blue. That would arouse way too much suspicion. Instead we have this convoluted scenario where the Dodgers start wooing him for their GM position, only pretending to consider people like Theo Epstein or Kim Ng to serve as a facade. Oh, his plan was nearly foiled when the Giants almost won the World Series in 2002, but Coletti brilliantly convinced Dusty Baker, through some means as yet unknown, to bring in Felix Rodriguez to face Scott Spezio, and to start Livan in Game 7. Luckily for Coletti, the Giants blew it and his mission was still a go. After again being threatened in 2003 with a 100 win season, Coletti knew it was go time. He convinced Sabean to trade for Pierzynski, to make Neifi the starting shortstop, to make Matt Herges the closer, to sign Michael Tucker and Omar Vizquel before arbitration hearings, causing the team to lose potentially useful first round draft picks. Then, in the most diabolical manuever of all, he somehow got Sabean to believe that giving Matheny a three year deal based on his game-calling skills would send the Giants back to the World Series. That conniving bastard!
Now the plan is revealed and we can't stand for it anymore. We must take preemptive action against the Dodgers. We can no longer sit back and allow Dodger infiltration, Dodger indoctrination, Dodger subversion and the international Dodger conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Just look at him, hiding behind that smarmy mustache, knowing that he's so close to getting away red-handed. Benedict Arnold in all his glory.
We have to strike back with all we've got for this gross transgression. We have to send a message that this kind of chicanery just won't cut it anymore. We'll win the NL West for the next ten years, and we'll bitch-slap the Bums every time they step onto Mays Field. No more Dodger spies whispering advice to give replacement-level catchers real money. No more Ray Oyler-level infielders getting 400 at bats. The Dodgers will pay. They won't take our essence.
(*Kudos to Stanley Kubrick for making Dr. Strangelove, which I'm ripping off mercilessly to write this ridiculous post)