Friday, September 17, 2010


Friday Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in the land known as Stankeye, there lived a man named Paulie. Now, Paulie had devoted everything short of his very soul to the baseball team known as the San Francisco Giants, and his undying love for the team was matched by very few. For a time, deep down Paulie had a soft spot for another team, the Milwaukee Brewers, who mostly stayed in the far-off land known as the American league.

This fondness stemmed from the days when Paulie was a young baseball card collector, obsessively organizing boxes and boxes of cards, sorted by team and player. Amongst all of his cards, he had a particular affinity for the players on the Brewers. Maybe it was the cool logo. Paulie was awestruck when he opened a new card pack to reveal heroic and colorful Brewer players such as Paul Molitor, Robin Yount, Jim Gantner, Gorman Thomas, and even big Joey Meyer, whom Bill James once described as "kind of gross". A shift by the Brewers to the National League briefly threatened Paulie's mild affection for the Brew Crew, but the memories of Harvey's Wallbangers held strong.

Then, one day, the Brewers' obese Prince smashed a walk-off home run against the Giants. This displeased Paulie, but it wasn't enough to break the cease-fire. Then, as the obese Prince came home into the waiting arms of his teammates, he engaged in a home run celebration that some might call "obnoxious", or "bush league", or "asshole-ish".

As the obese Prince leapt upon home plate, creating a cascading ripple effect amongst his waiting teammates, his ample girth shook not only the surrounding five-mile radius, but also the foundations of Paulie's now-shaky alliance with the Brewers. The resulting quake was so strong that said alliance crumbled to the ground, never to put back together again.

Even with this, Paulie thought it over and was prepared for peace the next year. In Spring Training, Barry Zito issued a warning shot to the obese Prince to indicate that Paulie was displeased. This, Paulie believed, would drive some sense back into the Brewers and re-establish the long-held peace between the two teams. Alas, the obese Prince would not back down, and after the Prince's strange, belligerent post-game rantings, Paulie made preparations for war.

When the Giants descended upon Milwaukee for the first time in 2010, the battle plans had been drawn months before finally came to fruition. The Giants went in to the land of beer and sausage and did what any team would do when shown up by a vastly inferior opponent: they beat the ever-loving shit out of them. There was Shock. There was Awe. The obese Prince's kingdom was burned and pillaged. His jesters were beaten. Paulie wept tears of joy. There was much rejoicing in the land of Stankeye.

Now the reanimated remnants of the obese Prince's kingdom stands in the way of Giants and the division title. Luckily, Paulie trained his warriors in the fine art of Zombie-killing. With two weeks left in the season, only a Brewers sweep and a run to the NL West championship would make the land of Stankeye live happily ever after.

--The Giants ended their season series against the Dodgers last night in fine fashion, smoking them 10-2 behind the strength of three home runs and a 12-strikeout performance by Jonathan Sanchez. The Giants win the matchup with the Dodgers this year, 10-8, which is astonishing considering the Giants lost five of the first six games against their evil counterparts. Three of those wins were late-innings humiliations for the Dodgers, so that just sweetens the tea. What a great year in Giant-Dodger history.

--Tomorrow is the 13th anniversary of this...

That it was so long ago makes me feel extraordinarily old, but it's one of the great moments of my life as a baseball fan. It seems like just yesterday that I was jumping up and down in excitement upon hearing Ted Robinson's home run call on the radio.

--Edit: I just caught this, but it's too good to let pass by the weekend. When a grown man accuses you of having "poopy in your pants", I'm not sure whether you should be insulted or just weirded out.

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